Probably The Most Epic Press Release You’ll Ever Read

Metal can be pretty serious business, as is having a band member depart.

So serious, in fact, that it requires the most epic press release written since Leif Eiriksson ventured across the Arctic seas in a quest for greatness.

Below is a press release from metal band HULL that was simply too epic to NOT share. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, open a handy primer on Norse mythology, then read on.

HULL Announce The Departure Of Guitarist Drew Mack

More Live Rituals To Commence This Saturday

It is with heavy hearts that Brooklyn-based sludge rock sorcerers announce the departure of longtime guitarist Drew Mack from their collective. Mack will play his final show at Acheron in Brooklyn on June 29th (additional dates listed below).

Comments the band on Mack’s departure: “We are saddened to announce that our Brother, Drew Mack, has chosen to resign from the ranks of HULL. We wish the Wizzard the best on his journey through the tumultuous path of life. Upon the still of the darkest nights, we shall listen for his glorious yodel from high upon the mount. With challenging waters unknown, the ship shall sail farther. As always, your allegiance is not without glorious praise.”

Adds Mack: “Together my brothers and I willingly leapt into the curl of the sea, eager to build the hull of a ship worthy of sailing from the golden halls of Valhalla, down into the many fiery stomachs of Hel. Though from Viking seed we all sprang, the cold power of raw lightning had not yet laid in our hands and the echoing brass of thunder had not yet yawned from beneath our feet and thrust itself up through the guts of our bodies… In our oaken ship we stand now skewed upon the quest. Wielding our axes with pride and honor, we sail to breathe light into the darkness and to turn dark back in upon the light; never leaning this way for a lack of that… And yet at a time when all look forward to the wisdom of the path ahead- even with all eyes together, into the quickening gray, not every heart shall pass this veil of mist. Some must yet dive again into the churn of the earth…

‘Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life-age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again… I’ve sent myself back until my task is done. And I shall come back to you at the turn of the tide….’ – Mithrandir”